Top 10 Boundaries Questions
1. Are boundaries healthy in a relationship?
Yes. Not only are boundaries healthy but they are imperative in any type of relationship. Prentis Hemphill says that, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Boundaries help me protect my non-negotiable values and allow you the same respect.
2. What are healthy boundaries in a marriage?
Example: A husband who values timeliness may become increasingly frustrated with his wife’s consistent tardiness. After repeated requests for change, the husband might decide to drive on his own in the future.
3. What are healthy boundaries with parents?
Example: A daughter who receives consistent criticism from her mother about her parenting might feel irritated and angry. If her mother refuses to hold back her comments, the daughter might choose to remove herself from her mother presence, end a conversation or hang up the phone.
4. What are heathy boundaries in a friendship?
Example: A friend who borrows things without asking might leave her roommate frazzled and mystified. If the “benevolent thief” won’t amend her ways, the roomie might put a new lock or alarm on her door or even consider a new living situation.
5. What are healthy boundaries with adult children?
Example: An adult child who has been living at home but fails to clean up after herself might be reminded of the household expectations of each member. Failure to comply could lead to an increase in rent, a loss of laundry room or kitchen privileges or an end date to the child’s stay.
6. Can you have too many boundaries?
Boundaries are like fences - they define where I end and you begin. A fence placed in the right place for the right reason is a good thing for everyone. It keeps the dog in, the neighbor out and provides everyone with a clear understanding of their limits. Too many boundaries – just like too many fences – may make it difficult for people to know how to approach us and we might find that people begin to avoid us altogether. A weak boundary – like a worn-out fence – may leave us vulnerable and exhausted from trying to get people to respect our limits. We should consider our “non-negotiable” boundaries (and the amount of them) carefully.
7. Can boundaries be unhealthy?
A boundary can be unhealthy if the person setting the boundary does not truly understand what a boundary is. It is not a manipulation, an emotional reaction to someone’s behavior or a chance to “get even” by laying down the law. It is a clarification of our values and the steps we aim to take to be sure that they are respected. My boundaries are not contingent on whether someone else likes or approves of them.
8. How do you set a healthy boundary?
Start by processing ahead of time with a safe person (a coach, trusted mentor etc.) to be sure you are clear on the boundary you are setting. Have an in-person conversation with the other person if possible. Be a good communicator and own up to whatever behavior you have been allowing. Let the person know you are setting a boundary around a specific behavior and what you plan to do if the behavior occurs again. Allow the other person to share their reaction but don’t be swayed by it. Keep your goal in mind and follow through.
9. How can we stick to our boundaries?
Be crystal clear in advance about your values and what you will not allow. Have a person in your life to keep you accountable. Don’t allow yourself to be goaded into a “tug of war” with someone who does not like your boundary. Remember, it’s normal that people don’t like our boundaries if we have allowed a behavior for a while. Be a broken record if necessary and repeat yourself.
10. How do we know when we need to set a boundary?
Examine your own behavior: are you repeatedly trying to get someone to listen to you who is not interested? Do you resort to begging, pleading, lecturing, yelling, shaming or other techniques to get someone to do something you want them to? Are you getting frustrated to the point of anger, resentment or exasperation? Do you find it hard to say no? Have your friends or family suggested that you might need to learn to set boundaries?
Coaching can help! Reach out to schedule a free consultation or find information about workshops. My book, “And Then You Went Missing” is full of practical ideas and stories of others who have set boundaries and regained their sanity and serenity.